Ever since my hardest transcription was finished, I have always conflicted myself about my ability: my transcribed skill and my level of piano playing are not in sync. That is normal totally, I admit. Composers may not sing well. Singers may not compose a single song in their lifetime. Pianist may not compose themselves but only cover others’ compositions. I know my unbalance. That’s why I try to avoid compete with other, rather, I choose easy song with low tempo and relaxed melody.
I ask myself whether it’s a good thing to go on that path. Thinking back, I always know the answer but I decide to live in denial. Ever since I make my performances public, my attitude somehow has changed: from admiration to slight jealousy, from enjoyment to competition, from acceptance to rejection.
From admiration to slight jealousy: lot of YouTube pianists out there are better than me. I admire their skill, love them but also jealous their talent. Is it because of my or my fate that I could not reach to where they belong to?
From enjoyment to competition: many years ago, I was so happy each time somebody covers my favorite songs in piano but now, each time I listen to those, I carefully analyze in detail and have attempted to replay myself.
From acceptance to rejection: I have became pickier in selecting and rating music.
Ever since when I accept request and public my video on YouTube, my perception has changed. I am contributing music to the world which means that I can no longer perceive music as years ago. I am no longer a normal audience. Music may not heal me anymore but rather I may hurt myself for it. Such a bittersweet pain.
If some of you reading this post, enlighten me and tell me why so many artists are in hiatus (Utada Hiraku, Shunichi Miyamoto…) or even quite their careers??
This time, I will risk myself again: this is going to be one of my finest arrangement ever (along with Sakura Nagashi and Mischievous of Alice)
Seventh heaven (from Garden of sinners) by Yuki Kajiura/Kalafina
And I forgot to mention my latest cover “One Form of Love”
First of all, there is no excuse for my laziness in the last month. I was really lacked of motivation. Incomplete transcriptions have been stacked on one another without reaching a point of near perfection. Each time I speed up, I feel so void in what I was trying to do. Everything seems to stop completely.
The truth is I know my limited capability is hard to handle such a huge amount of request now. Each time I finish a sheet, each time my expectation for perfection goes up. However, my slow improvement couldn’t race with my expectation; hence, I felt so frustrated and irritating.
Time by time, more and more people will visit my blog and know about me. The increments of number (views, likes, subscribers, followers, etc.) somehow are not encouragement but rather, expectation. The more expectation I have from people, the more I feel unease.
I simple whisper to myself: I am not born to be a person bringing music to the masses. I cannot bear the popularity and huge expectation from audience.
“Turn blind and keep walking”, simply as that.
“Savage sadness”, a soundtrack from the game Chaos Rings, fully depicts my feeling now.
Coming next week.
The bad new is I still haven’t find a way to improve my recording equipments. My policy is not releasing the sheet without my video. However, I will make an exception this time because I haven’t updated my status in a long time. So right now, you can download my new 4 transcriptions:
1. Aishita Onna (from G-Senjou no Maou)
2. Namae wo Yonde (from Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha)
3. Crescent (from Kara no Shoujo)
4. One Form of Love (from Chaos Rings 2)